This week Insight asks: When is competition and conflict between siblings a good thing, and how can favouritism affect this. How strong is the sibling bond? Courtesy SBS/Insight.
Jen (on the left) always thought older sister Melanie's life was perfect, and she could never live up to her. Source: SBS
JEN and Melanie are sisters born nine years apart. Jen always looked up to Melanie as the pretty, successful older sister, whom she could never live up to. And Melanie saw Jen as rebellious and adventurous, but lacking self-belief. It's a story that almost anyone with a sibling can relate to.
Jen:
I turned 21 this year and boy, has time flown by quickly. I grew up with my sister who is nine years older than me, going back and forth between our parents' houses. Even though we grew up with everyone telling us we were similar, we ended up on very different paths.
I can't remember a time when I didn't think she was amazing.
She's blonde, skinny, sporty, excelled at school and University and in my eyes could tackle any problem that presented itself to her.
Melanie (left) and Jen when they were kids. Cute! Source: Supplied
My parents praised our achievements of course. Before long, being a high achiever just felt like it was the norm. To me, my sister was the embodiment of success and even though I did very well in most of the things I did, I still felt like she was effortlessly achieving more than me every day. It only occurred to me recently that all through school, I never took the nine-year age difference into account when I was evaluating myself. I was always thinking I was behind.
I would constantly stay up past my bedtime and argue about rules with our parents, for example - she was allowed to watch M-rated movies but I wasn't! She was allowed to stay up and study but I still had an 8:30 bedtime. I was stubborn, wanting to do exactly what she was doing. I thought we should be treated equally. After all, I felt like I was trying just as hard as she was.
Yet at the same time, I saw my sister studying hard at uni, spending hours in front of computers and books. Toiling away night and day through sickness and tears to come out on the other side with a Student of The Year award and a full time job with her new qualification, before she even graduated.
She met an amazing boyfriend, now husband and moved out into the perfect little house, with a puppy too.
Behind the scenes I'm sure there were some struggles, but in my eyes it looked like she was living a real life Disney movie.
"I want that." I thought.
Jen has just turned 21. Source: SBS
By that time I had turned 17 and was trying to finish high school with the best grades I could muster, stressing and hoping that I would get into uni and do exactly as my sister did or face becoming a failure. I felt like I was wasting precious seconds. There was no other option. Be successful, and be successful quick.
I never made a back-up plan … I was told my options were university or win the lottery, basically.
My plan backfired shortly after high school ended when I was rushed to hospital with Glandular Fever during my first week of uni. After giving it my all for a year, I had to deal with the fact that I was too sick to keep up with the workload and pressures of uni until I recovered.
This greatly impacted on the other part of my 'plan' to live with my parents until I had a full time job. I had a lot of down time to think about what I could do to 'fix' everything. I felt like I needed to break out of a box and finally just be myself. So I made some new friends, dyed my hair pink, got a few piercings and moved out that week.
Not only had I dropped out, I was broke, fatigued, living on my friend's couch, refusing to talk to my parents, looking for a part time job and a place to rent. I was the anti-Melanie. Finally, I opened up to my sister about how much I envied her life. Just like always she said "You are successful, just keep going. Just do what makes you happy — I am."
After a lot of convincing it finally clicked. I was trying to adhere to everyone else's vision of success (parents, family members, teachers, bosses) when I should have been creating my own. My eyes suddenly opened and I realised there's nothing to "fix" because there's more than one path to success. The very person I aspired to be helped me realise that making my own path was an option. The whole time, my sister was behind me every step of the way, believing in me and whatever I did.
I'm 21 now and I'm so glad I grew up with her as my mentor. If it weren't for Melanie, I don't know where I'd be. Now I know because of her, not only have I learnt the meaning of success, I have learnt how to get there, too. Thanks Melanie.
Melanie:
I grew up desperately wanting a sibling but had accepted that I would always remain an only child. So I was shocked and excited when my parents sat me down at age eight and told me that I was going to get a little brother or sister.
I was nine when Jen was born and couldn't believe I had my own, real-life doll. I was thrilled to have a little sister and absolutely loved looking after her. I dressed her up in cute, girlie outfits and dreamt of the day that she would be old enough to play with my dolls.
Melanie was thrilled to dress Jen up. By the looks of it Jen was not so impressed. Source: Supplied
As Jen grew up, it became clear that my ideas of what it would be like to have a sister weren't exactly accurate. Jen was far from the 'mini-me' that I had hoped for. She hated pink, dresses and dolls and much preferred playing with cars and trucks. I still remember the day she told me that she hated Barbie. I was horrified! Jen was adventurous, loved getting dirty and was always getting up to mischief.
As a baby, Jen couldn't have been more different from me. She was into everything! Jen ate snails, drew on walls, climbed ladders and loved making mess. I was so cautious that I wouldn't even walk on grass and mum had to show me how to open cupboards because I never even tried (childproof locks were wasted on me!).
The differences between us became even more apparent as we grew up. I was very studious and performed well in school before completing a Bachelor Degree and Masters Degree at university and securing a high-profile corporate job. I had a huge respect for authority and always 'did the right thing'.
Melanie (right) says Jen was just lacking self belief. Source: SBS
Jen didn't perform as well at school and often skipped class. She constantly questioned the validity of homework and wouldn't bother doing it if it seemed like a waste of her time. At home, she would sneak out at night and party hard. She is extremely intelligent (probably more intelligent than me) and was certainly smart enough to perform well at school but was always incredibly rebellious and often didn't see the point in studying things she wasn't interested in.
I knew that Jen felt like a failure for her academic performance, particularly compared to mine. It was hard to see her refer to herself as 'not good enough' when it was obvious to me that her low grades weren't from a lack of intelligence but rather from a lack of self belief.
In fact, I admired her incredible confidence and complete fearlessness. I was terrified of upsetting a parent or teacher and the thought of not doing homework never even crossed my mind. I didn't even know that was an option! Jen was a bold, independent thinker who always did what she wanted.
Looking back Melanie says her and Jen are more similar than she thought. Source: Supplied
After years of thinking that Jen and I didn't have much in common, it is only in recent years that I have started to realise that we are more similar than I thought. Our approach to life is still very different but we have many of the same values and aspirations. Catching up with Jen is always entertaining and as much as she can drive me crazy sometimes, I still very much respect her love of adventure and fearlessness. I guess it balances out my more straight-laced nature!
Jen and Melanie appear on tonight's episode of Insight, 'Sibling Showdown' at 8.30pm on SBS ONE, which explores sibling rivalry.
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