Can a â€˜monogamishâ€™ relationship really work?

Can a 'monogamish' relationship, like the one between Javier Bardem and Scarlett Johansson's characters in Vicky Cristina Barcelona, really work? Photo: The Weinstein Company. Source: Supplied

THE Third Way was a political ideology in vogue in the '90s: a socially inclusive middle path between old-style socialism and free-market capitalism.

It eventually ran its course and the governments of the Western world returned to the philosophy they know best: outright avarice.

But, for a time, with notable fans in British PM Tony Blair and US President Bill Clinton,

there was a glimmer of hope there might just be a different way of running countries.

So, if politics was fair game for a new paradigm that wasn't quite Left and wasn't quite Right, why aren't other important things in our lives, such as relationships? What can be more important to any society than love and fostering it?

With around 50,000 divorces in Australia each year — a terrifying statistic — is there a viable Third Way between traditional, white-picket-fence monogamy and joining a polygamous sect in Utah?

Ginnifer Goodwin, Chloe Sevigny, Bill Paxton and Jeanne Tripplehorn star as a polygamous family in 'Big Love'. Source: Supplied

I've been grappling with this issue since a 10-year marriage, my first, ended in 2007.

I was in love with and loved my wife, but another man became involved and she left me.

When a second relationship ended in similar ruin because of an infidelity (hers), I became wary of jumping into another one.

It was easier to flit casually between bed partners rather than committing to one woman and risking having my heart broken again.

I was open to the idea of having another girlfriend or wife, and wanted romantic love, but rarely came across a woman who had the qualities I required to devote myself to them completely — heart, body and soul.

Some women were intellectually stimulating but damp squibs in bed. Others were incredible lovers but dull conversationalists.

Then there were those whose values and lifestyles were incompatible with mine.

But each of them had qualities I admired; I wanted them all in my life in some way without full-blown commitment.

Either I was becoming too fussy (a distinct possibility), running scared from taking the risk of commitment (again, highly possible), or I was moving toward something else altogether: negotiating an emotionally intimate relationship that had a degree of sexual openness, freedom and permissiveness at its core; a new model of loving where I could have my cake, eat it too and not have to apologise to anyone.

Some call it 'don't ask, don't tell' or DADT. Is it love's Third Way?

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are rumoured to have been in an open relationship. Photo: Frazer Harrison. Source: Getty Images

So many men and women have been burned by relationships that have failed because of infidelity.

Meanwhile, the inexhaustible choices of potential lovers facilitated by social media, dating sites and hook-up apps is, in turn, seeing an exponential unwillingness among many men and women to stick with one partner or settle for second best.

It's very hard to find a single person who possesses all the qualities we want.

Even when we do, not everyone is prepared to give up their freedom. Which is where a DADT approach to relationships comes in.

Filmmakers have tapped into the sexual zeitgeist, releasing films that challenge abiding moral values, such as Vicky Cristina Barcelona and Hall Pass.

There is endless speculation about which celebrity couples have or have had 'open' relationships (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith have all been the subjects of such rumours) or are even using the cloak of marriage to disguise their hidden sexual orientations.

Countless men and women in long-term relationships or marriages are cheating; thinking about cheating but too afraid; or going to sex workers to pay for what they can't get at home and pretending they're single.

As Madison Ashton, aka Christine McQueen, Australia's leading escort (or as she prefers to describe herself, "courtesan"), told me deadpan over coffee: "Clients all lie."

Owen Wilson in 'Hall Pass'. Source: Supplied

So the thinking behind DADT is slightly different to a conventional open or, as Savage

Love sex columnist Dan Savage calls it, "monogamish" relationship, which requires full and honest disclosure.

A friend of mine, John*, who's been married for 20 years and has two kids by his wife, is in such an open or monogamish relationship.

He and his wife are free to have sex with other people, dress each other for dates and share all the details, if they so wish.

In contrast, the basic principle of a DADT relationship is for both partners to do what they like with other people so long as no one knows and never asks.

The upshot? Emotional monogamy, sexual freedom and, crucially, no room for jealousy.

How can you be jealous of something when you don't even know if it's happening?

However, DADT is not perfect.

As John points out: "I don't see how you can have true emotional intimacy without the honest-and open approach. Secrets don't foster intimacy.

"Wherever you have a secret, that's where you're vulnerable."

But is it a secret if no one wants to know?

Penélope Cruz, Javier Bardem and Scarlett Johansson in Vicky, Christina Barcelona. Source: Supplied

Dr David J. Ley, American psychologist and author of The Myth of Sex Addiction and Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them, believes it's not just possible to have a genuinely intimate relationship with someone when you have more than one bed partner.

"Sexual fidelity, or monogamy, is a common value met in the exception," he says.

"People aspire to it, but rarely meet it. The thing that varies is how societies view this. American and Australian societies view sexual infidelity as a serious moral issue that reflects a person's overall moral character.

"By contrast, the French and many Europeans view infidelity as a common occurrence, which is not desirable, but does not reflect a major moral failing.

"In many of these cultures, they do embrace DADT, where a husband or wife can agree to not get into each other's business about sexual fidelity, but do agree on the things important to them. "We have difficulty with this, in our societies, because we place so much moral emphasis on sexual fidelity — it becomes an overriding issue."

However, Sydney-based psychologist Victoria Kasunic rejects the idea of DADT being emotionally healthy or sustainable.

"I'm not sure if it's actually about true intimacy — more about avoiding it," she says.

"I think this is more about fear of commitment and intimacy, rather than an authentic expression of a new type of relationship.

Sex columnist Dan Savage and his husband Terry Miller. Photo: Jason Merritt. Source: Getty Images

"Infidelity is never just about sex or lack of sex — it's typically a sign of a breakdown in intimacy and communication in some way.

"Rather than looking outside the relationship to other partners, people need to look at what's going on within the relationship that needs to be worked on.

"[DADT] is more about avoiding the risks that are involved in deeper commitment and intimacy. Unfortunately, you also miss out on all the rewards of it, too."

But Ley won't have a bar of it: "With skyrocketing divorce rates, I think we all, therapists included, have to acknowledge that what we think is 'the right kind of relationship' isn't working long-term, and we need to empower couples and individuals to make informed decisions for themselves."

Which sits easily with me. Total monogamy will remain an aspiration for so many of us, rightly or wrongly. The idea of lifetime fidelity to one person is, despite all its inherent faults, an admirable one.