‘My husband gave me HIV, I nursed him to death’

HIV positive woman Deb speaks exclusively to The Feeds Patrick Abboud about the devastation of being infected with HIV by her own husband. Courtesy The Feed/SBS

Deb was diagnosed with HIV 19 years ago and lives a fully functioning life. Source: SBS

LIKE most people, Deb never expected to contract HIV, especially from her own husband.

So when she found out he had the virus and that had passed it on to her, she naturally felt utterly betrayed and devastated.

But despite her anger, she nursed him to his deathbed anyway, knowing that while he had infected her, he had also given her three beautiful children.

Deb and Gary had been married for 10 years, and seemed the picture perfect couple with three happy healthy children.

But when Gary fell ill with pneumonia in 1995, his extraordinary secret was revealed. By this time, he had also infected his wife.

Gary had either contracted the virus through practising unsafe sex with other men or via drug use, neither of which Deb knew about.

"I was absolutely devastated and shocked," she told news.com.au

But instead of turning away, she cared for him until he passed away in 1996, just 11 months after he was diagnosed.

"I did it for the children, he is still and always will be their dad", she said of her decision.

"I never wanted them to ask why I didn't help their dad, and while he gave me this, he also gave me my children. Really he is the one who has missed out on seeing these amazing children grow up."

It was also knowing her children were free from the virus that got her through that difficult time.

Deb has been living with HIV for 19 years, and despite having the virus is the "healthiest person in her household".

Deb had no idea her husband Gary was HIV positive and had passed the virus onto her. Source: SBS

Thanks to incredible medical advancements and medication, people living with HIV can go on to live fully functioning lives and it's no longer considered to be the instant death sentence it was seen to be years ago.

But Deb knows there is still a massive stigma attached to the virus.

"Lucky my children have close family and friends they can talk to, but a lot of people are still uneducated about HIV," she said.

"Really it's just like any other chronic managed condition. I'm so over it (stigma) — it's nothing to be ashamed about."

When she first met Paul through mutual friends a year after Gary's death, he was aware of her condition and she was wary knowing he too may be at risk.

But despite Deb's initial reservations the couple fell in love, and Paul not only helped Deb with her grief, but became a loving father to her children.

"He was aware of the situation, knew I was HIV positive and that I came as a package (with three kids)," she said.

"He's amazing."

Deb since remarried Paul who she described as an amazing man. Source: SBS

Deb remarried and with correct medical support and advice even went on to have had a subsequent healthy pregnancy.

The Queensland mum, whose children range from 30 to 15, is determined to change the way people look at the virus and those who have it.

Deb's unique story features on SBS tonight where reporter Patrick Abboud lifts the lid on the negative stereotypes and stigma surrounding people living with HIV.

According to him, women comprise almost 10 per cent of the estimated 25,000 people living with HIV in Australia (2671 cases).

Abboud said he wanted to help people like Deb break the stigma which still existed around the virus, particularly when it came to HIV positive women.

"Today, HIV positive women are in many ways the invisible community within an already marginalised group," he said.

Deb said Paul had provided her with love and happiness. Source: SBS

"We don't hear their stories or see their faces. Most women don't disclose their HIV status because of the stigma and discrimination that comes with it."

He also said serodiscordance, known as magnetic or mixed status couples, where one partner is living with HIV and the other is not, was a term rarely heard or talked about among the heterosexual community.

Abboud said Deb's story was also about an incredible journey of love, hope, and the ultimate commitment.

For Deb, the story has one main message.

"HIV doesn't discriminate, it can affect anybody," she said.

"It can affect your best friend, sister or the stranger in the supermarket. Chances are you just won't know someone even has it.

"I don't wish this on anyone at all, (but) having this has actually made me a lot stronger."

For Patrick Abboud's full story tune into The Feed, SBS, tonight at 7.30pm.

For more stores from The Feed head to www.sbs.com.au/thefeed

Follow The Feed on twitter @TheFeedSBS2 and reporter @PatrickAbboud

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