Putin’s ridiculous Crimea speech

Putin ponders victory in Crimea. The man got what he wanted. Source: AFP

OVERNIGHT, Russian President Vladimir Putin signed a treaty claiming the Crimean peninsula as a Russian territory.

That followed the ridiculously one-sided referendum in Crimea last weekend, which in turn followed weeks of occupation by Russian soldiers.

HOW DID THE UNITED STATES RESPOND?

Before officially signing the treaty, Putin addressed a joint session of the Russian parliament, where he said some rather poignant and powerful things, along with some extremely ridiculous things.

Here are five quotes from Putin's landmark speech that raised a few eyebrows across the rest of the world.

Nice chandeliers. Understated, you know? Source: AFP

1. "A referendum was held in Crimea on March 16 in full compliance with democratic procedures and international norms."

Putin's definition of "democratic procedures" has always been rather loose. In fact, his definition of democracy full stop is a few slices short of a shashlik.

As the Crimean referendum was being organised, Putin was busily "repurposing" one of the few media outlets in Russia that wasn't yet a mouthpiece for the Kremlin. He doesn't care much for the bits of democracy that inconvenience him.

The referendum itself was quickly labelled a sham by the rest of the world. As if the laughably lopsided result wasn't enough, the heavy Russian military presence in Crimea didn't exactly bolster the vote's credibility, and many locals boycotted it over the wording of the two options.

News.com.au reporter Anthony Sharwood summed it up like this: "The choice was basically Russia or Russia."

Meanwhile, the heads of the European Union and European Council said the vote was "illegal and illegitimate."

Hard to conduct a fair referendum with these guys walking around. Source: Getty Images

2. "We can all clearly see the intentions of these ideological heirs of Bandera, Hitler's accomplice during World War II."

In this statement, Putin was referring to Ukraine's new leaders, who rose to power when pro-Russian president Viktor Yanukovych fled the country.

Stephan Bandera was the man who proclaimed Ukrainian independence in 1941, eight days after the Nazis attacked the Soviet Union. His nationalist movement thought Germany could be a powerful ally. That idea didn't work out — many of the movement's leaders were sent to concentration camps. Bandera himself was imprisoned by the Nazis, and was eventually assassinated by the KGB.

Comparing the people in charge of Ukraine today to the nationalists who tried to align themselves with Hitler is absurd. The protests in Kiev erupted because President Yanukovych was moving away from the European Union, which is about as philosophically different from the Nazis as it is possible to be.

Meanwhile, Russians have been celebrating the Crimean result with images of Joseph Stalin. Terrific. Source: AP

3. "If the Crimean local self-defence units had not taken the situation under control, there could have been casualties as well. Fortunately this did not happen. There was not a single armed confrontation in Crimea and no casualties."

Hours after Putin said this, soldiers dressed in Russian uniforms killed two people in the Crimean capital, Simferopol. One of the victims was a Ukrainian officer. So much for the lack of bloodshed.

Calling the heavily armed people who flooded Crimea's streets a few weeks ago "local self-defence units" was a bit of a stretch in any case. They were Russian soldiers wearing unmarked uniforms.

While those soldiers had managed to avoid killing anyone before the referendum, they were certainly involved in armed confrontations. The decision to encircle Ukrainian military bases and trap the local troops inside was no peace protest.

Putin also praised his "local self-defence units" for protecting the "rights" and "lives" of Crimeans. Of course, there's no evidence that the rights or lives of Crimeans were ever under threat.

Putin is flanked by some local self-defence units in Moscow. Source: AFP

4. "For some reason, things that Kosovo Albanians (and we have full respect for them) were permitted to do, Russians, Ukrainians and Crimean Tatars in Crimea are not allowed."

When Kosovo declared its independence from Serbia (for a second time) in 2008, it had endured years of well-documented Serbian abuses. The United Nations had already pointed to "excessive and indiscriminate use of force" on Serbia's part, which had resulted in "numerous civilian casualties."

Compare that to Crimea, where Putin can really only bleat about the possibility that a pro-European government in Ukraine would maybe, perhaps persecute pro-Russian citizens at some point in the future.

Russia has acted unilaterally in Crimea, whereas the United States and others gave diplomacy more than a few chances in Kosovo. Their actions were flawed, but the analogy simply doesn't work.

It's also a bit rich to hear Putin talk about his "full respect" for the Kosovo Albanians, and to hear him cite their example to bolster his case in Crimea, when Russia fiercely opposed Kosovan independence.

Putin gracefully shakes two hands at once, because he can. Source: AAP

5. "The people in those nations, where these events took place, were sick of tyranny and poverty, of their lack of prospects, but these feelings were taken advantage of cynically."

Putin could have been talking about his own actions in Crimea here. The man has cynically taken advantage of pro-Russian sentiment on the peninsula to advance his own interests and project Russian power to the world.

Of course, he was actually talking about the United States. Putin put aside a few minutes of his speech to rail against the US for its actions in Yugoslavia, Afghanistan, Iraq and Libya.

There are certainly valid criticisms to be made of America's actions in places like Iraq, but Putin has a selective understanding of hypocrisy.

The Russian president didn't invade Crimea out of the kindness of his heart. Putin is no benevolent despot — he's just a despot.

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